10/17/08-1330

Where: In the air
Destination: Houston, Tx

People have been very accommodating so far. I'm still in the states. I got sandwiched between a whole gang of people with kids and babies, but i think the 1 mg of ativan, Heather talked me into extended my tolerance. I got 2 hours of sleep at home last night. I arrived at the airport shortly after 5am. It was a really nice morning, still dark, but brisk and dewy. Sitting and waiting at the gate I saw some familiar faces. I saw the guy with the really tall hair that works at the watch kiosk at the mall. I saw a sitter from the hospital and one of the security guys from al's, we didn't chat. Seeing them was my last goodbye to my people, boise folks. I passed the time before boarding by sticking on my motion sickness patch on, that can be difficult, i found.

Da Da DAAAAA....Then it became time to Board. Time to go. Leave. Spend all my money that took me a year to save. I'm keep telling myself, "you're not gonna die, you're not gonna die". Then i think no, gotta be positive right, " the plane ride will be fun and you will arrive alive" then the word alive reminds me of being dead and I have to start all over. Positive affirmations don't work at 5 in the morning when you have to get on a plane.

Flying. I got my own isle of 3 seats on my 6:20 am flight to Seattle. It was pimp. I was sad that they only offered orange juice or coffee during early morning flights. I have a habit of only drinking 7up/sprite while in the air. It started when i was little and traveling with my parents. I've done it every flight I remember being on. It's fun to carry out my small tradition while in the air. It's like one of those old nescafe commercials. I sit back, sipping and thinking of that first alaska airlines flight. I recall the seats, which seemed large and comfy at the time and so rad because they reclined. Then i think of the tiny cups, even smaller than these southwest ones, they had a very rough textured exterior. Inside the cup was always...tiny icecubes and fucking 7up. Southwest and ruined my trip and hexed me! I want my pop! Everytime I would slowly sip my 7up making that 4oz last longer than any McDonalds 12oz size. I think i was 8 or 9 the time this image of 7up in the tiny cup stuck in my head. As i've grown older the experience of air travel had become less magical and more terrifying. Scariest of all, is the plane crash...all the different ways it could play out, but the one stays constant, I die. As an adult my connotation of flighing went from adventure and excitement to dread and dismemberment. I understand the risks and benefits of flying just as much as the next person. Traveling by air is a logical solutions to transportation needs, but logic doesn't keep that plane up in the air and it does nothing to quiet the anxiety. Surprisingly my emotions quite easily relieved by a tiny 7up with tiny cylindrical ice cubes and a baby cocktail napkin. Thought blocking, rationalization, not even extreme sleep deprivation can help this paranoia. But a fucking pop, a damn 7up conjures up a positive childhood memory of safety and happiness. These thoughts appease my mind and quiet the nerves, every time. A breakfast flight...disaster. My mind is a pussy and I gotta work on growing some balls. I was gonna close with an ode to this 1mg of ativan coursing through me, but my 7up just arrived. Thank you continental. I feel better. But they can be to blame for any of you reading this garbage, continentals inflight movie is spacechimps followed by everybody loves Raymond, but I hate him. Anyhow, I got outkast in my ear and B.O.B. reminded me of how i watched the sun come up.

Sunrise. When i got to seattle i had to retrieve my pack from baggage claim because I was switching airlines. I checked in for the next fight and checked my bag and went back through security. I passed though into the food court of the SeaTac airport. The back wall of this food court is a massive 3 stories of glass. It looked out on the runway right where the planes took off. The wall was lined with wooden chairs, benches and 1 lone rocking chair. It was oversized and a smooth ride. I watched the sky go from nearly black to dawn and hazy mist and then mostly sunny blue sky. Snowy mountains peeked through the few clouds. I sat, rocked,and watched for 30 min. The last time i watched the sun come up I was 18 and I only did it because a guy i liked asked me to join him. I found the experience peaceful, inspirational, and motivational. I think this trip is going to come with some change on my part. I wanna enjoy the world and not be so busy the grandeur is lost on me. I'm so blessed and lucky the universe has provided so well for me. I have that churchy love of god feeling, you know when you're so happy inside you wanna cry. I'm so thankful for my friends and family, my loved ones. Thank you everyone for your time for me and taking the time to teach me to be a better and happier person. I am better for knowing all of you. Thank you for laughing at my jokes, sometimes a lot of work goes into them. I hope i don't lose my place my place in your lives, but i'm not too worried.

Stressmares. I woke up from a couple min nap. A tiny stressmare it was something like, "dont forget to tell David..." I felt the stress from the weeks and months of preparing for this trip. I don't have to worry anymore. Deep breaths, Deep breaths.I'm here for the moments, the opportunities of everyday.

Thoughts from the writer, me. I wasn't all together sober when i scribbled this in my journal, but i decided i gotta put up everything, drug induced or not. And i'm not spell checking or proofreading. Good luck.