11/26/08

So Sunday I went to Sonia’s church. The universal church, ever heard of it? All I knew is that she goes 3 times a week and everyday she asks me to go. It turns out it’s like an evangelical church. Healing powers of the lord and all that. We were running a little late and things were well on their way when we arrived. I could hear the racket on the street before we went inside. The pastor had a microphone which he clearly didn’t need as all his exposed flesh was red from the strain of screaming so loudly and my ear drums didn’t hold up past the opening prayer. I couldn’t stop grinning so I went to the bathroom to collect myself. 5 minutes down, 1 hour and 55 min left to go. Shit, I thought, why didn’t I go to a short service? I popped a piece of gum to keep my lips busy and headed back out. This particular Sunday was during the worst parts of the flooding so the turn out, I’m told, was less than normal. Maybe 50-100 people were there. They stood up and say and held their hands up and did all sorts of things. They all lined up and got wine smeared on their faces by some guys in black Tshirts, I sat that one out. People gave money and they guy at the podium talked and hollered and say along to recordings of church songs, felt like bad karaoke. He made a face that made me wish I had my camera. It looked like really constipated south park character with braces. I know many of you can picture that. Those of you that can’t, I really think you could learn to appreciate the many joys of south park if you can get past your hang ups with it. So I chewed my gum and day dreamed away for a good hour and a half. I did refrain from blowing bubbles out of respect. Well, I might as well not lie, I blew some bubbles, but not as many as I wanted to and I did feel a little bad about it. The service was in Portuguese, but I still managed to feel guilty, a little. When it was all over people lined up and got little viles of holy some kind of liquid. The whole experience was weird and uncomfortable. I felt bad for all the people in there, buying in to all the bullshit, then I felt bad for being judgemental, then I rationalized…the whole thing was unholy. It felt like I was at kmart with a bunch of people that thought it was the shit. Crazy ass people thinking they are getting healed. Physically healed of whatever ails you. Ah, the power of positive thinking. God bless the placebo.

Funny other things
I’ve been developing this sort of hump in the middle of my shoulders. Not a creepy quasi type thing, but that bit where your neck meets your shoulders. I see lots of people with em. I was particularly down about it one day. Thinking about aging and changes that take place within and without my body which then lead to thoughts of decaying and death. I was thinking about this while I was watching Garden State and I saw Natalie Portman in her underwear and she has a neck/shoulder hump too. It completely dashed my worry and sorrow at being a disfigured freak. Thanks Natalie Portman.

Really funny something else, or should i say weird to mildly odd/creepy

From mole

I have a mole than may need to be upgraded to a “third nipple”. I’ve had it forever, but just in the last year or so has it grown to the point that a former boyfriend acknowledged it’s existence. Since that time I have been very aware of it. It’s on my upper abdomen and I swear if it had an areola I could make some money off this thing. So why would I think it should be a third nipple? The reasons are 3 fold. Well, proximity to my other nipples is, undeniable. It is considerably bigger than many full-fledged nipples known to exist. It is sizeable enough to be tweaked and/or pulled. I don’t believe it to be worrisome as possibly cancerous, it’s been examined by a leading dermatologist, who regrettably was not available for consultation on this issue. It’s not the bad kind of mole, but it’s getting to be a bit too much for me. I mean, I don’t know if I could pull off a third nipple. I just don’t think I am that hip or stylish. I’ve decided on two possible solutions to this problem. I accept the development of the third nipple that is taking place on my stomach. Go all out. Nurture it’s growth and development. Dress it properly with an areola tattoo around the perimeter and eventually finding some way to profit from this malformity. The other more “reasonable” option is to have the thing cut off. I’ve posted pictures of the mole in its current state and what it could look like in the future to give you a better understanding of what’s going on. This would be one thing to trump the eyes on the back of the head tattoo. Why stop at one? I could get a full set, doggy style. I could pierce the "third nipple" even get implants put in to make the other tattoos look more real. I could be one of those body modification people. A dog lady or a cat woman… It would afford me the ability to nurture hundreds, neh thousands of kuricks of poo into bono-douche bags that would answer to me and I could rule the world! This “third nipple” could pave the way to my calling. As this is potentially a life changing event I wanted to share it with my closest friends as I dearly value all of your opinions. Thank you for taking the time to read this and enjoy the artists’ renderings. I hope you laughed. This much free time is awesome.

From mole